It has been 4 months (hard to believe) since my cousin, Kenny, succumbed to the darkness that clouded his mind. In the middle of the night, he could see only one way out of the pain and in his mother’s home, took his life. I wanted to write about it, but honestly, was not sure how long I could write until I would break down in tears and overwhelmed with loss. Even now, as I embark on this blog, I hope to keep my head in the game to write.
As an only child, my cousins are the only ‘sibling family’ I have and the loss of one in our small group has been quite the journey I was not prepared to take, at least not yet. Oh, there were the unspoken
words or words spoken quietly, we thought the day would come, but always prayed and rejoiced when one day passed into another and he was still with us. After awhile, I think we started to push the thought further away as we entered 1.5yrs of sobriety and seemingly healthier mental states. Don’t get me wrong, we were not delusional to think the darkness that plagued him was not there. We all knew there were good days and bad days. But, he seemed to fight through the bad days easier as time went on. We noticed a vast improvement when he moved in with his sister and they were making a life together. He helped her around the house, got a job that provided healthcare and she so enjoyed having her brother nearby as her son had moved out once he got married. All seemed right in the world, or as much as it could be. The sails were righted and we were all coasting, enjoying the calm ride. Or at least we thought.
I was at work when I got a call from my aunt and then an immediate call from my cousin, Carey, telling me he was gone. I remember walking outside, frantically trying to reach my mother. I misdialed several times because my hands were shaking so badly and the tears were clouding my site. I paced back and forth thinking, ‘What do I need to do? How can I fix this?’ Then suddenly it hit me, I can’t fix this, he’s gone. It’s over and he is not recovering from this round. I remember calling his sister and hearing the heart break in her voice, the desperation and loss. It was then I wished so desperately to be there with her. She had lost her brother, her friend for the last 40+ years. I went into auto pilot, stopping the tears and thinking of what needed to be done next. I went home, packed a bag and with my parents in tow, we headed out west the next day to be with the family. All the while, I was pushing the fact the mental illness he was plagued with had finally won.
The following couple of days, I tried to rationalize his death. Even going so far as we ALL do in grief, saying ‘he is no longer in pain’. But was that the right message to send to myself? To his family and friends? We laid my cousin to rest and yes I say rest, because I pray he found clarity and peace in the after life, still noting was that the right phrase to use and to tell myself and then we went on about our life in the weeks that followed. After a month, I wanted to write about mental health but still found myself overwhelmed at his death. I tried and failed, as I broke down in tears sitting at my computer. The screen swimming in front of me and the grief making me sick. The following month, I was angry. Angry at the circumstances and people that helped push him into the darkness. Angry that he could no longer fight. Angry that he took the path he did, and again gave myself the out, ‘he’s no longer in pain. He has found peace’. The third month came and I felt lost on what I would even say. Mainly, because, I’m not certain that mental health is truly something that we as a society WANT fixed, so why write about it. Now, with that statement alone, I’m certain that someone somewhere is offended and shocked I would say such a thing. But, let’s look at some social structures regarding how we approach life. We have given ourselves the calming statements over and over, ‘he is no longer in pain, he is at peace now.’ Or better yet, our so called structures and values of life diminish each day with the passing of some new politically correct savvy catch phrase. I think you have to talk about that before you can talk about finding ways to treat mental illness. This topic is not for the ‘government’ to decide but we as a society have to start truly asking ourselves how far do we push the envelope when we dismiss a death, ANY death and what constitutes life and fighting for it.
There are many aspects this conversation can dive into, like starting with the conception of a life itself. But, for the time being I’ll leave that one alone and talk strictly about our societal changes regarding death and the right to end a life no matter how big or small. You can Google assisted suicide and get over 800k results. Google ‘what constitutes life’ and get over 36 mil responses the first being ‘the definition of life is controversial’. That alone is terrifying. We have made life controversial. This is not a left or right thing, a Democrat vs Republican thing, this is a HUMAN thing. How can we begin to address mental health when we have made life itself controversial? The website, AssistedSuicide.Org goes into the push to allow those suffering from mental illness to seek out someone to help them end their life. Now, for those that say it will never happen, that is the same statement made for assisted suicide for the terminally ill and yet, here we are, with 6 states allowing for assisted suicide and one more that will allow it under a court review. AssitedSuicide.org is not the only site pushing for assisted suicide for the mentally ill. There are hundreds even thousands out there that are pushing for this societal change. Afterall, we have been told there is no known cure for mental illness. It is a lifelong battle of pain and agony. With that repeated over and over and the drive to accept that mantra in society, why would we want those to continue to suffer? Why not allow them to end their life peacefully? How long must they fight a battle that has no end? We must be politically correct to the numerous ideologies and therefore push for assisted suicide, lest we be labeled. None of that sounds right.
So, are we lost to a society that continues to diminish life itself? Have we lost the battle to address mental health when there are forces around us (the world even) that are pushing for the rights to die (to end life) vs the right to live? We push for cures and advanced treatments of cancer, but not mental health. We push for cures to rare diseases, but not mental health. We push for cures to heart disease with no patient accountability but not mental health. We push for advancements in plastic surgery but not mental health. We push for cures to nail fungus even but not mental health.
We push for death (assisted suicide) in spite of the advancements of disease management as noted above, but we do not fight for mental health living. I am but one voice, but I’ll continue to fight for mental health wellness, mental health LIFE if for no one else but Kenny. He deserves…deserved that fight. One day, Kenny, we are going to win this fight, this war. We are going to bring attention for LIFE and our pursuit to happiness.
I miss you, Kenny. Until we meet again one day.
If you know someone who needs help, call the National Suicide Prevention Hotline. Mental health is a battle worth fighting, for LIFE.
Healthier Me Adventures 